Part 4 in the series by Wollongong psychologist Jo Lunn 

An update on Katia and Henry. Katia moved out of the house she rented next to Henry; she just didn’t feel comfortable living there anymore.  Since they strongly disagreed over a local community issue, they haven’t spoken. She has moved in with Anna, a colleague from work. Now Katia is sharing living costs with Anna, she has been able to afford her dance and art classes, meeting friends for coffee and meals out.  She is feeling much happier. She still feels sad thinking about her relationship with Henry.  Their relationship had been important to her during a hard time in her life. Henry watched the moving van as it drove away with Katia’s belongings.  He still felt angry about the situation and confused as to why she had the views she did, and why the friendship had ended.  He went to golf last week with his old work colleague Daniel. He enjoyed the time together and is going again next week.  He talked with Daniel during the game about what happened with Katia. Daniel asked Henry some interesting questions and seemed to genuinely want to understand Henry's opinions. Daniel had always been a good listener; the conversation made Henry think a lot afterwards.

Why we need to connect

The last three articles have outlined how our biological, psychological and emotional survival is linked to our connection to other humans. Our physical frailty in comparison to large predators and the complete dependence of human children has made it clear the only way to survive is to depend on each other, work together and find ways to solve problems. Working together requires us to conform with our tribe’s rules. Our brain’s ‘don’t eat me’ design has meant that we will always overestimate danger, which is a clever survival mechanism. If we overestimate the level of danger, we are far more likely to survive than if we underestimate danger.  

What are the threats today

Some corporations, movements, political parties or politicians, media companies and influencers target our ‘don’t eat me’ brains and need to connect to make profits and get power.  

Hearing about a ‘threat’ and an ‘us and them’ story, intelligent, well-intentioned, educated people can get sucked into groupthink. Ironically, groupthink arises from the need to feel safe and connected, but these universal desires can be manipulated to build fear and ‘threat’. The mantra of groupthink is ‘you are with either us or you are against us’. If group members raise questions or concerns, they risk being ignored, ridiculed or excluded. Then connection to the group becomes potentially precarious - we can only stay in the group if we agree with everything they do and say, increasing our anxiety which increases our dependence which increases our anxiety and so on. 

Recently an Australian politician asked our local community to use their vote as a ‘bullet’ to say goodbye to the prime minister, weeks after an American presidential candidate was shot.  Everyone, regardless of how we vote, can see that actual or metaphorical threats to politicians undermine the democratic process.  

We have media news companies knowingly lie to us so they can sell premium advertising space, corporations ignoring moral, ethical and often legal rules in the name of profit and it seems to be generally accepted that many politicians can ignore facts, slander reputable institutions or experts, openly lie and try and divide communities, in a grab for power.  A worldwide pandemic – with people losing loved ones, businesses and jobs – war and horror in Europe and dire environmental news has rocked our understanding and feelings of safety in the world. The cost of living has skyrocketed. This is all in addition to our usual life pressures. 

Add extra distress – divorce, sickness or death of a loved one – and it may feel like we are living in a soap opera with drama after drama enveloping us. This is a perfect storm of pressure on our mental health as our ‘don’t eat me’ brain is almost on a swivel, frantically spinning in all directions, looking for the next threat. 

Our bodies’ stress response can lead us to feel like we are going to jump out of our skin or the opposite, like a deflated basketball with no bounce. 

How stress takes a toll

All our energy goes toward just getting through the day. With continued high stress, we can slide further into symptoms of depression and anxiety. Losing interest in people or activities that used to bring us joy, increasing sensations of emptiness and feelings of meaningless, increasing our alcohol or substance use/online shopping/gambling/gaming and mindless activities like endless scrolling on our devices or binge-watching TV, we stop caring about things that mattered to us or other people as everything becomes too much. 

All these responses, although normal for an overwhelmed ‘don’t eat me’ brain, go against our biological, psychological and emotional need to genuinely connect and feel safe with other humans. 

Most importantly, as life becomes overwhelming, our ability to engage, think flexibly, learn, reason and make decisions is significantly impaired. Our ‘don’t eat me’ brains are too busy responding to perceived threats, so we have less mental capacity to be interested in our world and to explore new ideas and connections.  

For some, these pressures result in a switch from conformity to groupthink as our fear, anxiety and anger rise and our trust in the systems around us plummet. We seek out people or groups who seem to know the answers, know the truth and have done the research for us. For others, apathy and disinterest is the way they manage – the world is too much, too broken and too overwhelming. They manage their distress by blocking it out and disengaging, feeling there is no way they can make a difference, so why waste the energy. Others manage by anxiously keeping things ‘light’, nodding along to opinions they don’t agree with to avoid conflict.  

Whether it is divisive ‘us and them’ groupthink, avoidance or outright disengagement, the result is we stop holding people, political parties, the media and corporations accountable. We also lose our superpower of tapping into the incredible human capacity for flexible, diverse thinking and working together to solve problems.  

So, what can we do?

• 1. Take care of ourselves. By focusing on what we can control, living in line with our values and having a real connection with others, we can reduce our fear, sadness and anxiety which not only improves our quality of life but reduces our susceptibility to being manipulated .  

When we ask people about their priorities, family and close friends is, if not no.1, is generally in the top three responses.  

How much time do you spend daily on your devices (including TV, computers, gaming stations), compared to talking, laughing and having fun with family and friends? We are all so busy, but we can often spend an awful lot of time mindlessly binge-watching shows or scrolling on phones. 

A sign of true connection in our relationships is how comfortable we are in being vulnerable and letting the other person/people see our true selves – not our social media caricature. It means we can disagree over a topic and openly and with interest ask about the other person's beliefs; we will with compassion hold each other accountable when we are behaving badly or not treating ourselves as well as we deserve; we will be there to celebrate or commiserate the highs and lows of life.   

Think about how you can engage better, have more fun and connect more deeply with people you love every day. Putting the phone away and listening to stories of their day is an incredibly powerful way to build connection.

If you love the environment, engage with a local Landcare group. If you value social justice, support local refugees. If you love pickleball, organise a competition. Research shows that engaging in volunteer work is great for our mental well-being and actually leads to a longer life. If you are time-poor, keep it simple and build connection into your day by trying to talk to strangers or colleagues as you go.  Look at the person behind the counter rather than your phone, talk to the person standing next to you in a queue, say hello on your morning walk to people coming in the opposite direction. If you genuinely think something nice – say it out loud, compliment others around you. Donate unused items or clothes to charity, pick up plastic while you walk the beach, use the recycle bins correctly, play a sport – identify whatever matters to you and engage in small, doable activities towards that value. This can result in a big shift in mood over time.  

• 2. Do the opposite of what some media, influencers, groups, movements and politicians would prefer. Focus on what we have in common with each other, see the human being in front of us and how we are similar instead of how we are different. 

We are more similar than different. We all bleed red, we all love something or somebody, we are all worried about something and we are all swimming in the complexity of being human. We are all doing the best we can, with the resources and information we have right now to manage our distress and live our lives.   

We might disagree on how to solve the problems faced by our communities and the world. But if we try to be open, respectful, pay attention and really listen to what another person is saying, we might learn something new. If someone has a difference of opinion, be curious – it might be a good idea. Respectfully ask them to explain why they hold that opinion, where they learnt about this topic or who has influenced their opinion, and ask them thoughtful questions about it. 

Under no circumstances accept abuse or deliberate personal attacks. If you struggle to engage with someone because of the way they talk to you and you need to pull back or avoid certain topics, you have every right to do so. However, in most cases just by being respectful, open and, most importantly, looking for similarities, you can go a long way to being able to have important and meaningful discussions and find points where you do agree.  

• 3. We need to actively seek out good news and examples of where things are going right. It is not about sticking our heads in the sand and ignoring problems but about getting balance to the constant threat-based media who are trying to sell our scared or angry attention to advertisers.  

Think about what news is important, how that information is used in your life. You may need to step back from "if it bleeds it leads" reporting.  There are truly great stories that solutions-focused journalists are covering. 

Let’s go back to what humans do best – learn from each other and solve problems in new and innovative ways using diverse and creative thinking. There are websites, like Squirrel News or Positive News, that provide summaries of good news stories, with links to the full articles covering complex environmental, social, medical issues and identifying how people are responding and resolving them. Greater Good Magazine is also another source of great ideas to improve our lives and those around us. Share stories that might interest your friends and children, talk about them, think about them – getting balance is really important for our mental health and ability to respond to our world and the issues it faces.  

• 4. Understand how our ‘don’t eat me’ brain and our need to connect is being used against us for the purposes of money and gaining power. Finland’s population has ranked no. 1 for the 5th time across 43 European nations as the most resistant population to deliberate misinformation. This has been linked to Media Literacy being a core part of the school curriculum from preschool and a focus on the development of critical thinking and analytics. Knowing the tactics used in manipulation helps us realise what is happening when we are exposed to disinformation and misinformation (more on that in my next article).

Read the 'Don't Eat Me' Brain series

Part 1: Inside the ‘don’t eat me’ brain: Why we’re hardwired for connection

Part 2: Groupthink: The dark side of our need to connect

Part 3: Groupthink: What is it and how can I avoid it?

Part 4: Taking our brains back: How to avoid traps targeting profit and power for others

Part 5: Does it pass the CRAAP Test: A guide to spotting misinformation

References

• How It Started, How It is Going: Media Literacy Index 2022, Open Society Institute Sofia

• How Finland is teaching a generation to spot misinformation, New York Times, 2023

• Are you missing these signs of anxiety or depression? Harvard Health Publishing, 2021

• Groupthink, Psychology Today

• Conformity, Psychology Today