Psychologist Jo Lunn shares the first in a series of articles about how our brains work, including why we're hardwired for connection.

The funny thing about brains is … 

Katia was chatting to Henry, her neighbour, over the fence. They had always chatted when they were in the front yard at the same time as they are both gardeners. Both enjoyed each other’s company and their conversations. Henry’s wife had died 12 months ago, and often felt lonely and he enjoyed chatting with Katia. Katia appreciated Henry’s knowledge about growing vegetables, a new passion of Katia’s. One morning they started to talk about a topic that was affecting the local community, much to their surprise, each person had the complete opposite view to the other. Henry became quite agitated that Katia held the views she did. Katia felt awkward and uncomfortable, she made up an excuse to leave the situation and walked away. They have not spoken since and now Katia makes sure Henry is not out the front when she is gardening.  The situation is upsetting her and affecting her sleep as she cannot stop thinking about it when she goes to bed at night. Henry can’t believe Katia of all people did not hold the same views about such an important topic, every time he thinks about the situation he feels upset and angry and needs to message his friend Kim.  

To understand what happened between Henry and Katia and more broadly how our communities can become strongly divided over important issues, it is helpful to understand how our brains work. Human beings are hard-wired to connect – biologically, psychologically, and emotionally. Connection with each other has been key to the survival of humans as a species. 

In prehistoric times, humans were physically vulnerable, without claws or sharp teeth for hunting or even fur or feathers for warmth. 

What we did have was: 

• A brain capable of impressive flexibility that could creatively problem solve and recognise and respond to danger 
• Hands with the dexterity to build the ideas our brains thought up  
• The capacity to communicate and work with other human beings. 

The ability to communicate, collaborate and coexist is one of the most important of our ancestral skills. If a human were alone in the prehistoric environment, it is likely they would end up as ‘lunch’ for a larger predator. Having other people, or a tribe, meant a greater sense of physical safety and a greater chance of survival. 

Our ability to think, learn, create, and work together has led to human dominance over animals and environments that are far larger and more powerful than we are individually.

Another core survival strategy is our brains' design.  Which is what we can call the ‘don’t eat me’ machine.

The human brain, particularly the part of brain called the amygdala, constantly scans the environment for potential danger.  The scanning happens automatically like digestion or our heartbeat, without us directing it or even being aware of it most of the time. Our ‘don’t eat me’ brains ensure our survival by deliberately overestimating the level of danger we are in, because if we overestimate danger, we are far more likely to survive than if we underestimate the level of danger.   

This is great for survival but not so good often for mental wellness! Thankfully, in modern times we do not have to worry about being eaten by a sabre-toothed tiger. But our ‘don’t eat me’ brains are always scanning for potential threats and danger.  The threats our amygdala's identifies might include the health and safety of ourselves or loved ones, the quality of our relationships with our partners, family, friends, work colleagues and meeting our physical needs like our rent, mortgage, food, and bills.

Our brains will grab hold of the threat it identifies, it may even create a problem that does not even exist, and this ‘threat’ or ‘problem’ can then consume our thoughts. It is a common human experience to feel completely overwhelmed by the thought of a situation that never actually happens, or a problem that manages to resolve itself in ways we never thought it could. Rather than sit back and enjoy this outcome, our brains will simply find another situation, relationship, or problem to worry about instead. This cycle can recur in an endless experience of stress and worry.   

Our brains are biologically designed to pay more attention to what is potentially threatening in our environment than to what is going well.  

The hardwiring for connection and the ‘don’t eat me’ brain means that we can be deeply upset by conflict with others or thinking that we may have upset someone. Even witnessing conflict between other people, all these situations can physically affect us with symptoms like constant worry, a change in our heart or breathing rate, a sinking feeling in our stomachs, or our skin getting cold and clammy. This is because our survival has always been, and still is linked to other human beings. 

So, when we have conflict with other human beings our ‘don’t’ eat me machine’ screams that we are in danger.  Even if our conscious selves have forgotten about needing connection, our bodies and brains are still aware that our survival depends on diverse thinking and the different skill sets of others in our tribe. We are all so deeply interconnected and dependent that it takes the efforts of many people to get us through a single ordinary day. 

For example, take a minute to think about how many people worked today to meet our needs. People who: 

• look after our health 
• grow and transport our food 
• build our cars and roadways 
• collect our garbage (including sewerage) 
• supply water and electricity to our homes 
• build our houses  
• come up with solutions to our problems  
• educate us 

And of course, many, many others. 

Our tribe has become so enormous we have forgotten that we are still dependent upon each other.  Our brains know we need each other to survive.  When we feel connected to a group, we feel safe. When we feel disconnected, we feel vulnerable and unsafe. 

Read the 'Don't Eat Me' Brain series

Part 1: Inside the ‘don’t eat me’ brain: Why we’re hardwired for connection

Part 2: Groupthink: The dark side of our need to connect

Part 3: Groupthink: What is it and how can I avoid it?

Part 4: Taking our brains back: How to avoid traps targeting profit and power for others

Part 5: Does it pass the CRAAP Test: A guide to spotting misinformation

References

• Theories: Polyvagal Theory – Stephen Porges; Negativity bias – Paul Rozin and Edward Royzman.
• How Biology Prepares Us for Love and Connection
• Coren L. Apicella, Joan B. Silk, The evolution of human cooperation, Current Biology, 2019.
• Fatima Ahmed-Leitao, Georgina Spies, Leigh van den Heuvel, Soraya Seedat, Hippocampal and amygdala volumes in adults with posttraumatic stress disorder secondary to childhood abuse or maltreatment: A systematic review, Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging, 2016.
• Loneliness and Social Isolation Linked to Serious Health Conditions 
• Vaish A, Grossmann T, Woodward A. Not all emotions are created equal: the negativity bias in social-emotional development. Psychol Bull. 2008 May.
• What explains the rise of humans TED Talk

• Deb Dana, Polyvagal exercises for safety and connection, 2020.