Read the latest column in our parenting series by Monday editor and local mum Kasey Simpson

Birth trauma is such a tricky topic to discuss because there will always be someone less fortunate than you. So before I start I would like to acknowledge the trauma of those who have lost children, or never had the choice to have children, or those of you who experienced more serious challenges than I did, because I know you are out there.

Without having the expertise to say so, my last baby's birth traumatised me. I have a physical reaction every time I look at photos during those early days of his life, so much to the point where I avoid them. If I think about that period in my life, I struggle to hold back tears. And if I see a newborn and mother in distress on TV, movies or even social media, it triggers me and all these uncomfortable, unresolved emotions come up that I can't control.

I have had C-sections for all three pregnancies under the advice of my doctors. During my second pregnancy, I was in a lot of pain, in and out of hospital thinking I was in labour only to find that nothing was happening. After being told I had an "irritable uterus", I was sent home time and time again, and told to wait until either I went into actual labour or my C-section date. As my doctor opened me up, she found that my previous scar was paper thin. She could actually see my daughter through my uterus lining. I knew something was happening!

I was told that I could have another but to wait at least eight months to try again to let the scar mend and heal. Bang on eight months, I was pregnant again... Knowing the pain I went through in the last trimester of pregnancy, I was so worried it would happen again. I made a conscious decision to slow down to try and keep my uterus wall from tearing. But it happened again. The pain started early, they monitored my scar periodically and it was thinning. The pain got too much and I was so fearful, living half an hour away from any hospital that they admitted me on bed rest to try and slow the process down. 

I was on bed rest for three weeks with nothing but my thoughts to entertain me. It was also Covid times, so I couldn't really see my other two children, my partner was parenting solo and every day I was fearful that he'd fall out and it would be on. After much consideration, the decision was made to birth my son at 35 weeks. He was swept into special care and put on a breathing machine, while I was alone in recovery. The following days were a struggle as he was put on a feeding tube. It was nine days after he was born that he finally started to put on weight and we were let out of the hospital. 

Even coming home was strange because we had family staying there, helping out where they could. It didn't feel like my home. The road from there was far from easy but we got there. Now you wouldn't even realise the struggles we went through. But the memories and the pain are still there.

I know how common birth trauma is. You only have to talk to your family, a neighbour or go on social media to see it. You don't even have to have an event such as mine to feel it. It is completely a life altering experience. My question is, is this just life as a mother? Or should I be speaking to an expert to find tactics and strategies that help me move past those triggering experiences?

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Parents in need of support can find help via Lifeline, ParentLine, Raising Children