The first in a two-part series by local clinical psychologist Dr Esther Davis
If you’ve ever watched an episode of The Real Housewives, you know how quickly a chat over brunch can turn into a full-blown disaster. Voices are raised, past grudges resurface, and suddenly, no one is actually listening.
But of course, this doesn't just happen in reality TV. Difficult conversations happen everywhere – at home, work, and in the community. With the federal election approaching, this two-part series explores why discussions derail and how to navigate them for real understanding.
Why Do We Get Stuck?
Before we dive deeper, let’s take a moment to reflect on your own experiences:
- Have you ever found yourself in a conversation where you were more focused on proving a point than understanding the other person?
- Can you think of a time when your emotions took over in a disagreement, and you later realised you may have overreacted?
- Have you ever felt like an argument wasn’t just about the issue at hand, but about defending who you are?
A simple disagreement can quickly turn into a battle to “win.” But even if you do (which, let’s be honest, the other person probably disagrees with), it’s a hollow victory. The real concerns remain untouched, and instead of walking away with mutual understanding, you’re left with the conversational equivalent of an empty trophy case.
One big reason difficult conversations go south is our brain’s natural instinct to pick a side. Social psychology shows we naturally gravitate toward people who think like us, creating an “us vs. them” mentality. Once we label someone as “the other,” we start assuming the worst about their intentions.
Another challenge? Our emotions hijack the conversation. When disagreements feel personal, our brains go into fight-or-flight mode, making it harder to stay calm or see the bigger picture. Dr. Dan Siegel’s concept of mindsight helps explain this—when we don’t step back and notice our emotions, we react instead of reflect, which escalates things fast.
The 3 Levels of a Tough Conversation
Next time you find yourself in a tricky discussion, try asking yourself:
- Are we arguing about facts, or is something deeper going on?
- How do my emotions play into this, and how might the other person be feeling?
- Is there a part of me that feels personally threatened by this conversation? If so, why?
Looking beyond facts to emotions and identity helps keep conversations productive instead of combative.
Whether we're talking about reality TV meltdowns, political clashes, or that never-ending debate in your group chat, tricky conversations tend to get stuck at the wrong level. The Harvard Negotiation Project’s framework for difficult conversations helps break this down (read more here):
- The “What Happened?” Conversation: This is where most arguments start—and get stuck. People remember the same event differently, leading to “No, that’s not what happened!” battles. Staying calm and clarifying what each person actually means can help lower the heat.
- The “Feelings” Conversation: Most disagreements aren’t actually about facts, they’re about how we feel. Acknowledging emotions (both yours and theirs) can shift the conversation from tense to constructive.
- The “Identity” Conversation: We get defensive when a disagreement feels like an attack on who we are. Are we a good person? Smart? Thoughtful? Recognising that different opinions don’t threaten identity keeps conversations respectful.
A Case Study in Miscommunication: Michael and Jan's Dinner Party
In The Office episode Dinner Party, Michael and Jan invite office colleagues over for what should be a casual evening but quickly turns into an excruciatingly awkward meltdown. Let's break it down using the three levels of a tough conversation:
- 1. What Happened?
From an outsider’s perspective, Michael and Jan seem to be fighting over small things—how much money he makes, how much space he has in their home, or why he won’t sit on their expensive new ottoman. But from their perspectives, they each have their own version of reality, neither willing to accept the other’s take on their relationship.
- 2. Feelings
Jan feels insecure and resentful – she’s lost her high-paying job and redirects her sense of control onto their homelife and image, only to have it continually undermined by Michael’s playful antics. Michael feels trapped and emasculated, struggling to maintain his carefree persona while subtly begging for help.
- 3. Identity
At its core, this isn’t just an argument about furniture or money – it’s about how Michael and Jan see themselves and their relationship. Jan prides herself on being accomplished and in control, but Michael’s childish antics and oversharing make her feel like her life is unravelling in front of their guests. Meanwhile, Michael thrives on being seen as charming and successful, and Jan’s constant criticisms undercut that, leaving him scrambling to prove his worth.
Like many real-life disagreements, their fight isn’t about what it seems. The dinner party unravels because neither acknowledges what’s truly at stake—their emotions and identities. Emotional hijacking is in full swing and Michael and Jan become locked in an "us vs. them" dynamic, where each sees the other as the problem rather than the situation itself. Instead of stepping back and recognising their emotions, they cling to small grievances, each determined to “win” while their guests attempt to escape unscathed.
Understanding is the key
The first step to better conversations? Understanding why they fall apart in the first place. By recognising our emotional triggers, noticing shared experiences (in this case, the shared struggle in being a human), and figuring out which level of conversation we’re actually in, we set the stage for better, more productive interactions.
In Part 2, we’ll dive into practical strategies for handling tricky conversations with confidence, so you can keep your cool even when things get heated.
