The second in a two-part series by local clinical psychologist Dr Esther Davis

We all know that tricky conversations – about differences of opinion or even who forgot to take the bins out – can quickly go off the rails. With the federal election approaching, this two-part series explores why discussions derail (Part 1) and how to navigate them for real understanding (Part 2).

How to stay steady when it gets messy

Whether you're chatting with a colleague, a friend, or that uncle who loves to stir the pot, there are ways to navigate tough conversations without losing your cool – or your connection. Let’s be clear: this is not about avoiding disagreement or pretending to agree when you don’t. It’s about engaging in ways that don’t escalate tension or leave everyone emotionally bruised.

Here are four strategies to help you shift from combat mode to curiosity. From ‘me vs you’ to ‘me and you’.

1. Notice What's Happening Inside

Dr Dan Siegel’s concept of mindsight is about recognising what’s going on in your mind and body – before it hijacks the conversation. Maybe your jaw is clenched, your thoughts are racing, or you feel the urge to interrupt.

Mentally stepping back to notice these signs helps you pause and choose a response, rather than reacting on autopilot. You can even name the feeling silently to yourself: “I’m feeling frustrated” or “I’m feeling dismissed".

This small move can shift the tone of a conversation. It’s not easy to mentally step back in moments of conflict, so practising while calm helps make pausing your instinct when emotions run high.

Try asking yourself: Am I reacting to the topic, or is there something deeper going on – like hurt feelings or a sense that my values or identity are being challenged?

2. Get Curious, Not Furious

It’s natural to feel defensive when someone disagrees with us, especially if the topic feels personal. But defensiveness shuts down dialogue. Instead of bracing for a fight, take a breath and ask a question.

Try: “That’s interesting – can you tell me more about how you came to that view?”

You don’t have to agree. You’re simply creating space to understand.

Try reflecting: Is this really about facts, or is there emotion or identity under the surface – for them, or for me?

3. Speak From the Heart (Without Pointing the Finger)

Statements like “You always…” or “You never…” rarely go down well. They make people feel attacked and usually lead to defensiveness or shutdown.

Instead, try using “I” statements that focus on your experience. For example:

• “I feel hurt when…”
• “I find it hard to stay open when…”

It helps the other person stay in the conversation with you.

4. Don’t Forget: You’re Talking to a Human

It sounds obvious, but when someone disagrees with us, we can easily forget they’re human – turning them into 'the opposition' or 'that kind of person.'

But remembering the other person’s humanity can soften how we speak, listen, and respond. It opens the door to empathy, even when we disagree.

A Case Study in Holding It Together: Michael and Jan’s Meltdown

In The Office episode Dinner Party, Michael and Jan invite Jim, Pam, Andy, and Angela over for what should be a relaxed evening – but things quickly unravel when bickering turns into a full-blown fight. Here’s how the conversation might have looked if someone – anyone – had used the tools above:

• Get Curious: Instead of rolling their eyes or escalating the tension, one of them might have asked, “Can we pause for a sec – what’s really bothering you here?”
• Notice Emotions: If Jan had taken a moment to name her anger and insecurity, she might not have hurled a Dundie at Michael’s beloved plasma TV.
• Speak Honestly: Michael could have admitted, “I feel unappreciated and small when you mock my job and apartment.”
• Remember the Human: Both could have stepped back from the blame game to remember they’re just two people struggling with unmet needs and clashing expectations.

It is important to note that even if Jan or Michael had communicated well, the other might still have responded poorly. That’s where boundaries come in – they help us define what’s okay and what’s not in a relationship. You can think of boundaries as the distance at which you can be kind to yourself and the other person simultaneously. Boundaries acknowledge your lack of control over others and the need to work within your limits. Sometimes the kindest choice is to exit the conversation, as calmly and respectfully as you can.

Final Thoughts

Navigating tricky conversations isn’t about getting it perfect – it’s about staying present, respectful, and open. That includes knowing when to lean in, and when to step back. Boundaries play a key role here: they help us recognise when a conversation is no longer productive and remind us that protecting our wellbeing matters too.

With practice, we can shift from defensiveness to curiosity, from conflict to connection. The more we practise, the more natural it becomes. And who knows? You might even make it through the next family dinner without needing a cooldown walk around the block.

Read more

Part 1 – Bridging the Divide: Why Difficult Conversations Go Wrong And How to Fix Them